Attending the Bachelor Party of Alexander K. Falls

Something you could eat a Portillo's Italian beef in without anxiety. Super casual. If you are debating between two outfits and one of them requires dry cleaning, choose the other one. The only dress code is closed-toe shoes for Activate Games. And the hat. The hat goes with everything. This is the entire point of foam.

The Office of the Best Man accepts reimbursement via Venmo, Zelle, or personal check. Zelle and Venmo are preferred as funds arrive immediately and does not require The Office to locate a pen. If paying by check, please make it out to John and do not post-date it as an act of petty revenge for making you read this much.

Unfortunately, no. The guest list was assembled with care. Plus-ones are not permitted, not because we don't like your people, but because this particular configuration of people on this particular night has been specifically designed, and we are not accepting modifications at this time.

Not formally. You are ultimately responsible for getting yourself between stops. However, carpooling among attendees is encouraged and expected. Obviously, please do not drive if you've been drinking.

What you put in your body is between you and your wallet.

Absolutely not. Drinking is entirely optional. The goal of the day is not intoxication—it is celebration, which is a different thing entirely. Every stop has non-alcoholic options.

A driver's license, passport, or state ID. A library card does not count. A very convincing argument probably does not count. Bribery? It's a free country.

Historically, groomspeople served as protectors of the couple—chosen not for their charm or their ability to coordinate a color scheme, but for their willingness to fight. In ancient times, groomsmen were essentially a private military force to guard against kidnapping, rival families, hostile neighbors, and evil spirits. Also, they actively assisted in what historians delicately call "marriage by capture." The Office of the Best Man is pleased to report that the role has been significantly updated since then. Your duties are: show up, be present, wear the hat, and do not let Alex pay for anything. No swords are required (though daggers, spears, and regalia with magical properties remain encouraged, as evil spirits remain your own responsibility).

It has, at length, and from several angles. Buckle up.

From a Kantian perspective, this bachelor party presents immediate difficulties. Ask yourself: what if everyone, upon the occasion of their closest friend's impending marriage, simply dropped everything and committed fully to a day of escalating celebration? The maxim cannot be universalized. Society would collapse. Nobody would go to work on Mondays. The postal service would cease to function. Kant would have been horrified.

The utilitarian calculus is similarly troubled. On one hand, the aggregate joy produced across an entire day, shared among a carefully curated group of people who genuinely like one another, on behalf of someone who deserves a good day. On the other: the cumulative disruption to the ordinary rhythms of a Saturday, the opportunity costs borne by two suburbs, and—if we are being honest with ourselves—the sheer tonnage of happiness concentrated in one place at one time, which cannot possibly be sustainable at a societal level. The math does not favor us. Bentham would have glared disapprovingly.

Aristotle too would have had a conniption. He argued that eudaimonia is only achieved through moderation (i.e., the golden mean). He called excessive indulgence a vice. The Office of the Best Man has reviewed the itinerary against Aristotle's framework and found that five stops, culminating in an open-ended evening at a riverfront brewery, does not obviously constitute the golden mean. It constitutes something closer to the golden maximum. Aristotle did not have foam cowboy hats, and for good reason.

Finally, there's Nietzsche. Sweet, sweet Nietzsche. He argued that the highest human aspiration is the will to power—the relentless drive to overcome, to transcend, to become more than once was. He also warned against Dionysian excess, the intoxicating chaos of pure revelry untempered by Apollonian reason and form. He believed that those who stare too long into the abyss risk becoming the abyss. He suffered a complete mental collapse at the age of 44. The Office of the Best Man draws no conclusions (though you certainly can). The Office merely notes that he never attended a bachelor party, and that this may have been the wisest decision he ever made.

The Office of the Best Man therefore concludes, reluctantly and on the basis of the foregoing analysis, that this party is ethically indefensible. We are going anyway. Chocolate cake shakes, y'all. YOLO.

The foam cowboy hats are not optional. The Office thanks you for your continued interest in this subject and nonetheless considers the matter closed.

Your performance will be a matter of public record. What you do with that information is your business. Just kidding, nothing—we're only there to have fun.

Then you will have to live with that for the rest of your life.

He does now. Hi, Alex.

There will not be a replacement. Guard yours accordingly.

The Office of the Best Man respects your autonomy. That said, Sturdy Shelter Brewing is the final stop and the one most likely to produce the kind of conversation you will still be thinking about in six months. Early departure is permitted, but not recommended.

This is a safe space, and we are not interested in perpetuating generational traumas. All the feels are welcome. Also, remember: We screamed. We cried. It's in the tagline. You will be in good company.

Complaints may be submitted in writing to The Office of the Best Man, where they will be received warmly, read carefully, and placed in a dedicated folder labeled "Noted." Complaints may also be submitted via The Office's online portal. Response times are not guaranteed. Resolution is unlikely. The Office thanks you in advance for your patience and understanding. Whatever you do: please don't tell the bride. Seriously. Don't. I mean it, don't. SERIOUSLY!

The Office of the Best Man is reachable via normal channels. Please note that The Office is staffed by one person who is also planning a bachelor party, and response times may vary. For urgent matters, try texting John. For non-urgent matters, also try texting John, but manage your expectations.

Yes.